I used to love without fear a long time ago. I used to think that love wasn’t the answer to life’s problems but the solution. I used to think love would, heal all and ultimately lead to peace.    

…I was wrong

Like most people I know, my first love didn’t end in peace. I used to dream of the day he would tell me he loved me. I’ll admit, I had an over active imagination when I was nineteen years old. I thought it would be a dramatic beautiful moment of absolute truth. I believed that his realization would fix all of our issues. I thought love would be our restart button.

…I was wrong

After many false hopes, tears, break ups, make ups, 10 second videos that broke my heart, threats, gifts,  social media blocking then…after three long years, I finally heard him admit it... Love

To be completely honest, his realization didn’t solve anything, it didn’t fix anything, heal anything or bring me peace of mind. His love brought anger and resentment. 

Who did he think he was? Did he expect me to get weak in the knees, to cry, to etch our initials in my notebook or ultimately forgive him for the pain he caused?

Remember grade school? When that little boy/girl would pick on you, push you at recess or tease you in the hallway. Remember the moment when you realized they simply had a crush and couldn’t handle the emotion? Well that is what happened when my first love confessed his true feelings. While the thin line between love and hate was acceptable in elementary, I can’t find comfort in it today.

In my opinion, loving someone and being in love with someone is very different. Loving someone is one sided and unconditional. Love is the first step to being in love. 

Being in love requires commitment, understanding, respect and vulnerability. Being in love can’t be one-sided. Both parties must act as one.

I recently watched a Ted Talk - “Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability  love”. Brown started her journey with a simple plan, to measure love. She was advised that anything that cannot be measured, doesn’t exist. But that scientific theory didn’t stop her quest. She found that the main difference between the people who have successful “love relations” and those who don’t comes down to vulnerability. 

You can’t be in love without being willing to show and accept vulnerability. You mustn’t love with a conditioned heart. It’s about giving all of you, without a safety net.

My first love wasn’t willing to be vulnerable. I don’t doubt that he cares greatly, but I refuse to have tears of joy for a man who didn’t have the courage to love me completely. 

I know my next love won’t wait three years to love me. I know he will love me with all his heart and leave nothing to chance. Instead of hurting me to deal with his fear of love, he will have courage.

It’s ironic that I started this blog after this first love broke my heart. I simply wanted peace of mind and reflection. Almost three years later I finally found the peace within me.

It’s funny I did it all without his silly three words. 

I am back!!!

I am sorry for my short hiatus. With the big move to New York City and my new job, I have been extremely busy.

My love life has been extremely chaotic the last year and I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I can start with what I have learned… I have learned so much and I have so much more to learn.

Expectations : I think that it is crucial to know what you expect in a relationship.  For the purpose of this blog post, I will only be talking about a committed exclusive relationship.

Flashback : I asked a former boyfriend what he expected from me in our relationship. It is funny because we had discussed expectations when we first started dating, but I was curious to know his response well into a turning point in our relationship.  He could list what I should expect from him, but failed to mention one thing that he expected from me. 

He didn’t know how he wanted or needed to be loved.  Maybe I was overacting but not answering my question worried me. He could have listed the basic expectations ;  commitment, honesty, support and understanding. Instead he was speechless. He didn’t expect anything from me.

I am convinced that knowing what you expect from a relationship can really  avoid a lot of heartache and surprises. The same way you expect certain actions from your employer and vise vesa. Its important to remember that expectations in relationships are vital.

Theory Time: If I could clearly state what was not acceptable for me, maybe I would forgive more and forget less. There is nothing wrong with forgiving, in fact its healthy to forgive. But knowing what you expect can avoid forgetting for loves sake. Pretending to forgive or worse  pretending to forget can really leaves a person in shackles… chained to the past.

Two weeks ago I decided to be honest with myself about what I expected and what is not acceptable for me. I was so caught up in forgiving that I forgot about me. Certain actions weren’t even close to what I expected from someone that I care for and claims to care for me.

At that very moment, I knew that I would have to breathe life into my pain and state my expectations. Telling someone you love that they never deserved you is tough. Telling someone that they caused more pain then joy is . Pretending to forget the pain for you “loved one sake is not acceptable.

For so long I accepted less than what I deserved. I thought that I had to accept less because the person was sorry or was trying to change. I know now that there is nothing wrong with forgiving and letting the person know that their actions are less than what is expected.

I am starting to think that I am stubborn because this lesson seemed so simple… Sometimes, complicated questions have simple answers.

I wish I was able to state what was unacceptable in my last relationship. Maybe it would have been different… maybe it wouldn’t have ended the way it did… maybe we would still be together. Who knows!

I hope that my next relationships exceeds my expectations.

Side Note: I’ll do my best to write more blog posts. I am a single girl living in New York City… I am sure I’ll find something to write about… :) 

“I don’t want to lose you. You’re far too important and indispensable to this thing that WE are creating. I cannot replace with you someone else, it doesn’t work if you aren’t there. You add so much to my life, I can’t go back to how it was before. ”

love lettersfrom my ex

Scared that he’s kind

Says his heart is all mine

Wonder if he knows

That I’m meant to be alone

Don’t be afraid

I’m scared cause I cant breath

Each time he looks at me

I’m scared I’m not enough

To deserve all his love

Don’t be afraid

 I shot us….

I never liked the concept that our love could slowly decay, so I pulled the trigger myself…

I thought it would hurt less…

Now I stand here watching the blood pour from our veins, and I feel like a murderer…

I brought death to the dying, and now I feel responsible for our pain…

We both know it hurts more because it was no accident…

I deliberately placed the gun in my hand because I swore we weren’t moving…

I had mistaken the quiet pulse as our final march…

That is why didn’t I ask you…I thought you couldn’t admit the truth…

I wish I could blame my scars, but they are one with me…

So I blame myself…

Days turn to weeks…weeks turn to months… and I still feel it…

The blood STILL remains on my finger tips…

The shame is still carved upon my lips…

Why didn’t I give us time to inhale?…

I thought we were declining…diminishing…reducing…

I thought it would hurt less… so I pulled the trigger myself…

Death is never quick…few months later and I am still dying.

I feel guilty for this feeling.

It would be easy to blame it on someone or something but time is only the cause.

I planned this so differently.

I think I am addicted to planning but naïve when it comes to acting.

I wish I could act

Then I could control this situation.

I cry less but I still cry.

I hate myself for wanting less than before.

I do fine until I remember the feeling.

Then it comes and I wish I never knew it.

I hate that time moves quickly and slowly simultaneously.

I want to hold on but I beg to be released.

It hurts that I cant control where this leads.

Each time I write it feels like a letter.

I beg for understanding but the lie feels way more comforting.

I hate that I am glad I’m here and he is there.

Its better that way.

Dreams are hard to follow when pulled.

It was selfish for us to believe we could do both.

You cant be in two places at once.

Forced to pick between dreams and a heart was unfair .

I wish I got to chose.

Instead I ran but fate lead me here

They say time heals but I am afraid of forgetting.

I don’t want to forget.

For now I still remember

I am naïve

I sent my heart in a package and I was put on hold for opportunities and dreams.

There is a difference between being apart of someones dream and being the dream.

I will no longer confuse the two

I thought love could be a verb not just a dead in word.

I may have made a few mistakes

But you forgot me first.

.